Too far man...

On any normal day, as his friends usually do, Chris sat in solace, calmly discussing the intricacies of life and the meaning of it's existence. Then, out of nowhere, Chris changed the subject.

"You know guys, I really fucking hate that Carter Brown kid." Said Chris. "All he does is fucking talk about Donnie 'goddamn' Darko. He's got such stupid-ass hair and nobody talks about it! It's ridiculous! He's fucking delusional if he thinks anyone likes him!"

"Yeah, sometimes he can be a bit annoying." Added AnDre.

"Too far man." Said Chris. "Jesus." He proclaimed looking around as if there was someone that could understand his repulsion to AnDre's comment, and no one was to be found, except himself. "Is this really what it's like? Like, do you talk shit about everyone AnDre?"

20 Minutes Later

"I've got to take off guys." Said AnDre with a wave and a quick dash out the door.

"Do you guys ever think AnDre is just kind of a fucking retard sometimes?" Chris said aloud. "He just, he says things and everyone thinks they're stupid. Everyone. It's fucking ridiculous. He's delusional if he thinks anyone likes him."

"I guess he's said stupid things before..." Taylor commented.

"Jesus man." Said Chris, disgusted. "I can't even believe this! Every fucking time. I'm kind of scared you guys talk shit about me when I'm gone too. Every single goddamn time someone leaves, you're quick to throw the 'I-guess-he's-said-stupid-things-before' card. Goddamn man."

1 Hour Later

"I'm out guys, I'm tired. I'll see you some other time." Said Taylor, exiting the house.

"Does anybody ever get the feeling that Taylor thinks he's all-that? It's fucking ridiculous!" Said Chris the very second the door slammed. "He's delusiona-" Began Chris but was cut off by Justin.

"Chris, you always say how everyone's on a high-horse, but you're up on one of your own! You hypocrite! You're the one that talks shit about everyone!"

"That's a good point Justin... I'm sorry, I never even realized it... Wow, I'm an ass-hole I guess." Chris said coming to this realization.

30 Minutes Later

"Later guys." Said Justin as he left the room and then the house altogether. But, as he exited the room, not even ten feet away at this point, a voice could be heard.

"Don't you all hate Justin and his faggot clothes? He's an ugly-motherfucker. And his fucking voice, it's so annoying and he doesn't even notice it!" Chris rambled. "The man's an idiot. It's ridiculous! He's fucking delusional if he thinks anyone likes him."

"Wow, Justin was right." Said everyone as they rose and left the room, and as every single person besides Chris made their way outside the house, again, a voice could be heard.

"Wow, don't you fucking hate them?" Said Chris aloud, to obviously no one. "They're just a bunch of shit-talkers. It's ridiculous!" He shouted to an invisible group of people. "They're all fucking delusional if they think anyone likes them."

And at that moment, Chris's vision became obstructed. It was like someone took a black piece of construction paper and waved it in front of his face. Then it was gone; he could see clearly again.

As he dabbed at his head with his hands, he felt... Nothing, nothing but skin. He was balding, right there in the middle of his own fucking living room.

"Ahhhhh! He cried out." A sudden pain shot through his back. Chris's spine had exploded at the base of the incision, and spine juice was seeping out everywhere.

To help with the wound, Chris found the strength to walk, and went to Hy-Vee. There he would try and find some medicine to recover with.

"Damn, check out that ass. Look at that thing when she walks." Said a deep-voiced man from behind Chris. Chris turned and looked the man straight in his spoodley, then the man walked off.

That's when, out of nowhere, a hot chick jumped out and grabbed his belt, beginning to rip it off. She was going to suck his dick and he was going to grab her tits.

"Thank god, an in-shape guy! There's only fat people around here." She said as she ripped down his trousers. Then she halted and stared at his thighs. "You're a fat-ass from the waste down!" She yelled.

Chris proudly yanked his pants up in front of the knelt down girl and began to walk away.

"But your ass does look good when you twist it like that." She said.

"Thank you." Chris said cheerfully, turning around to give her due gratitude, grinning widely. Then, she got up and left Hy-Vee, after flashing him a kind smile.

Chris looked around his area, and there was not a person in sight.

"What a fucking beady-eyed slut."

Author's Note: None of this is anything anyone actually believes. It's all fake, and made up. Everyone in this story is fuckin' cool. Besides Taylor.

It really isn't...

"So, I was listening to their new album, and I was like 'wow, metal is back.'" Said Kyle somewhat gleefully.

At that very moment, he felt something touch him on the chest. Looking in the direction of the jab's owner, he found someone staring him dead in the face.

"It's not metal without the second pedal." Said Max, the poker.

The Next Day

Standing in a circle with his pals, talking to Chris about music, Kyle made sure that their conversation was nearly inaudible to anyone on the other side of the crowd.

"Iron Maiden is a metal revolution-" Cut off by a sudden nudge to the shin, Kyle peered down to spy a shoe, and then a leg, and as he looked up, there he found the owner.

"Kyle, it's not metal without the second pedal."

In Kyle's rage, he began devising a plan of revenge, entirely heinous in it's construction. He began to explain the plan to Erdna, his buddy.

"First, I'm going to lace C4 throughout his house with timed explosive ignition, and when the cops go looking into the cause of the explosion, there will be no evidence. And if there is, I'll just say 'fuck the po-lease.'" Said Kyle, while too reminiscing his distasteful acts against law-enforcement, he remembered his greatest prank. He stealthily chloroformed an officer and anal raped him in his squad car.

10 Days Later

"Hey ErDna, I wired Max's house." Explained Kyle.

"I'm about to wire you buddy." Said Erdnam with a raised fist.

Both of them were sitting outside Max's, ready for the show.

"His house will explode in 5... 4... 3... 2..." Said Kyle joyfully as OrDna and himself were stationed outside Max's house. "1. Boom."

But to Kyle's surprise, nothing happened.

"Might be faulty, I'll try again later." Kyle said with some disappointment.

At that moment, an officer walked up and stood in front of Kyle.

"Fuck the po-lease." Kyle blurted out. The officer whipped out his hand-cuffs and began to wrap them around Kyle's wrists. "No, you can't do that. I only said 'fuck the police,' not 'fuck you officer.'"

Without a word, the policeman took Kyle to the station and placed him in a small room with a two-way mirror.

Soon, the same officer and Max walked in and took a seat.

"We found it Mister Smith." Said the officer.

"Found what?" Asked Kyle.

"The wiring. For the C4." Concluded the officer.

"I used metal wiring, it's supposed to be undetectable!" Cried Matt Deweese's best bud.

"No you didn't. I'll have our near-victim explain." Said the officer motioning his hands towards Max.

"It wasn't undetectable, because it wasn't metal." Explained Max, as if disappointed incredibly.

"Well why the fuck not? It sure seemed like it." Exclaimed Kypho.

"Because." Said Max with a sigh. "It's not metal without the second pedal."

Kyle proceeded to lose his composure and become furious.

"I'll fucking chloroform you ass-hole!" Screamed Kyle at the top of his lungs.

The cops memory came back to him, and he remembered the penetration that happened inside his squad car one fateful day.

"I knew you fucked me you son of a bitch." Said the policeman randomly.

"You're getting life in prison." Max stated clearly.

"No, I won't. I'll wiggle out of it because I'm going to be a lawyer."

"No you won't." Replied Max.

"Why not?" Asked Kyle confusedly.

"Because you're stuck at Quizno's."

How much chonk could a woodchuck...

"And that's why I'm smarter than all of you." Concluded Mr. Roemermann in one of his ramblings.

At the moment of my thinking/knowing I'm smarter than him, a sudden itch erupted on my head. "What was it?" I wondered.

Out of no-where I saw a black patch fall from above my line-of-sight and land plainly on my desk. Staring gravely at the almost-fuzzy-like black spot, my darkest fear and worst nightmare was coming true.

A snicker from the seat behind me rang to my ears and those of my peers around, all turning to witness my embarrassment.

I was balding. Right in the middle of class.

Laughter quaked the desks and caused nearly all of the unattached hair resting on my head to fall off. As my body began to sweat in rabid embarrassment and red-cheeked frustration, I woke up.

I was only sleeping in class. I knew it might not have been real, because I have more problems in reality than just sweating and embarrassment.

That's when a sudden itch erupted on my head. The same patch of black something fell in front of me. The same snicker followed, and too accompanied by the very same laughter.

"Look at the faggot! He's balding right in the middle of class!" Yelled an ass-hole.

That very same ass-hole yanked his pants down, underwear and all, and began to cock-smack my thigh as I sat in shame upon my seat.

The kid then stood me up and pulled down my pants, proceeding to wiener-slap my arse-cheeks until they were as pink as a baby pig. That's when the real-life problems became a real problem.

As the kid was stamping his chonk against my flabby pudding-cushions, I shat. Everywhere.

It flowed viciously and mistily out of my rectal crater, and I knew the boy hitting me with his dong was covered.

"See what you did?" I asked. "Now there's dookie all over my butt-cheeks and your balls and dick."